How lovely, the weekend.

Yo bros!

Slightly awkward. Vows to never type that way ever again. Continues on to satisfy the hopes of the TENS OF THOUSANDS reading this (hahaha) um anyway.

I just want to tell you some of the lovely/quirky adventures I’ve been having, because quirkiness makes the world go round and there is nothing quite like a lovely quirky adventure to satiate the restless spirit of a HSC-student.

On Friday afternoon after school LaTian and Lox and I decided that home was somewhere we didn’t want to go (it is always an anticlimax, especially after having COMPLETELY FINISHED ALL MY TRIAL/HSC EXAMS UNTIL THE 17^th OF OCTOBER!) so we went on an adventure. We started by fuelling our exhausted end-of-the-week bodies at the noodle bar on George Street I once raved about, and then found ourselves in Darling Harbour after flipping a coin at each corner we came to in order to decide the way to turn. It’s a good method when you find yourself with people as indecisive and yet as stubborn as Lox and I. (You like pictures of moi looking like an idiot? You like Lox? CLICK HERE J)

That was fun anyhow. On Saturday night some gorgeous friends of mine came over, we played 60s rock as loud as some pathetic speakers would go trying to drown out the terrifying doof-doof music of my next-door neighbour’s granddaughter’s 16^th birthday party (complete with ONE HUNDRED drunk/high/half-naked guests). We also danced to their music in our driveway and overheard the antics of Santa Sabina girls:

GIRL:                    Oh my God I can’t believe you KISSED her!

BOY:                     (Unapologetically) I was pissed.

(Later)

BOY:                     But I love you both!

Ah, what it must be like to be a real teenager.

Oh and Bruv is in a heavy-metal rock band and on Saturday some of his band members came over and they jammed in our lounge room ... and then some GROUPIES of his came over, like REAL GIRLS which is hilarious, and then the SAME GROUPIES were at his grand final soccer match today (which he won, if you wanted to know). I will never let it go. Bruv has groupies. Life is hilarious.

Alright so there’s a little narcissistic update on the adventures I have. Stay posted for more? Don’t leave me alone in cyberspace ... (no one can hear me scream).

Love you like lovely quirky weekends.

x

The Phallogynist (??)

I go to an all-girls school. Can you tell? I am going to confirm right here right now once and for all that this has a supremely large effect on my day-to-day behaviour.

When I was in primary school I decided that co-education was the path for me. I thought, if you go to a single-sex school, you are not prepared for real life, you won’t have the skills required to talk to the opposite gender, you’re screwed, basically. And then I got into Sydney Girls, and now I’m here after six years of single-sex education, and I am a self-proclaimed Phallogynist.

I also made up the word, with Lox’s help of course. A Phallogynist, if you’re wondering, is someone who hates males (as per misogynist and phallocentric and other such words whose stems/structure I stole).

Ew, boys are gross. Every single last one of them, and I’m going to admit it now, even the ones from Sweden. There’s nothing worse than getting on a lovely cool empty 610 of an afternoon and starting to cruise down Anzac Parade before grinding to a horrifying halt in front of the boys’ school. The disgust when you realise you’re going to have to contract into the back seat as opposed to sprawl over half the bus to make room for noisy, smelly, squeaky boys is indescribable. Ew yuck, basically.

Nonetheless, some theories I will have to discount: I can hold a conversation with anyone of any gender so long as they’re interesting in some shape or form (or if I have to be polite), and I think I am relatively well-prepared for the horror that is Real Life. My biggest problem, however?

The world is not a girls’ school.

Next year the days of being able to strip in the middle of the classroom to change for sport will be gone. The ability to pour water over my head, unbutton my blouse and unzip my school skirt to deal with summer heat will have long-disappeared. The enjoyable game of ripping open our blouses to see if we can undo all the buttons in one fell swoop (and not burst any) will be generally frowned upon by the populace of Real Life.

Thus, I am screwed.

Love you like the sanctuary of school.

x

(P.S. not all of this is completely true/unexaggerated; I know a fair few boys who aren't all that smelly/gross. I'm not ACTUALLY a phallogynist. I do ACTUALLY know that isn't a real word. Okay. *CLARE OUT*)

Ah the Liberal party

Listen to this.

“I just urge members to be wary of the socialistic menace of traffic lights and to support freedom, liberty and democracy that is encompassed in every roundabout that you come across.”

Is it not the most entertaining thing you have ever heard?

This is the party that runs our state. Our future is bright, is it not?

Love you like politicians (sometimes)

x

Number 17 (Part Four)

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

IV

The fourth most surprising thing happened on Friday, exactly one week after the day I wish I had fallen in love with Number 17. I was longing for the weekend, some moment of respite from the constant presence of the boy and his basketball. As the bell finally rang, heralding the end of the school day and the start of the glorious glorious weekend, I heard the tell-tale sound of a bouncing basketball.

“Hey indie chick,” Number 17’s voice came from behind me. Caroline grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward the gate, muttering ‘don’t chick me’ under her breath.

“Oh, hi Win – I mean … hi,” I said as casually as possibly.

“Um so I’m pretty sorry I broke your mug, even if it did kind of burn me.”

“That’s okay.”

“Anyway, I wanted to make it up to you, so you could keep drinking your star anise stuff. So … I bought you a new mug.”

Number 17 held up the mug like a peace offering, as though for some inexplicable reason I had ever hated him in any way. I took it off him gratefully. It had basketballs on it. I imagined drawing question marks over each of the basketballs – is a basketball really just a basketball? But for the time being I just tucked it away in my backpack and grinned kind of lovesickly whilst Caroline tusk-tusked behind me.

“Also, are you doing anything this Saturday?” Number 17 asked a little shyly, scratching his head and looking at me sideways.

“Um,” I gasped. You don’t even know this boy’s name, my inner self, and probably Caroline too, cautioned. He’s probably a fucking capitalist. “No. No, I’m not busy.”

“Right, cause I have this basketball game on and you and Caroline should come watch. It should be a bit of a steal, the team we’re playing’s a load of crap, but that means I’ll probably be able to do a slam dunk.”

“You slam dunk?” I said, impressed.

“Oh yeah, I’m the shortest player on the team to be able to do so.” I frowned, trying to work out whether that was a good thing or not. “So …?” Number 17 pressed.

“Um, sure! Caroline and I will be there!” I grinned. Caroline groaned in the background. I ignored her.

“Alright, see you there then,” Number 17 called as he walked away. “Watch out for me, I’m Number 17.” I nodded, bemused, as he walked away. As he left, a friend of his shouted at him from across the grounds.

“Oi, Lyndon*! Chuck us the ball, will ya?”

*As in Lyndon B. Johnson, President of the United States when Australia entered into the Vietnam War with them. Just a little modern history reference that would be a little awkward if you didn’t get, as it’s pretty much the punch line of the story and not that I think you’re stupid or anything! Just I had to explain it to others which took the kick out of it a little. Just like this thing is. ANYWAY. If you got it, snaps for you. Here’s a song about him:

LBJ took the IRT down to 4^th Street USA

When he got there what did he see?

The youth of America on LSD.

Love you like existential basketballs.  

P.S. How impressive has my hyperlinking been, man?

If you had a like button, I would click it ;)

What do you reckon? Pick-up line of our generation? I think I’m just going to run around poking people every time they do something awesome and say, “I wasn’t actually poking you, I was pressing your like button.” Actually awkward, that’s an awful thing to do. I retract that statement.

Spent today at Jeds Under the Bed (JUB)’s amazing Opera House-side apartment with her and Lox after our Advanced exam, thank God 2u English is over and done with (just two more units to go yay!) We ate salted caramel macarons from the Lindt Café, then chocolate and fruit nuggets and rip-off Grainwaves at JUB’s apartment and finished it all off with a ten minute visit to her GYM AND POOL, IN HER BUILDING. We were living the life.

Also, JUB has these awesome binoculars and one-way glass, so we also spied on tourists chilling on the Opera House stairs and a bunch of middle-aged office workers playing rugby in the park.

In other news, I have a bone to pick with society in general. Today on the bus I saw this advertisement:

...

The message is clearly that Australian values suggest physical beauty as of the utmost importance, as well as that a woman can’t be beautiful unless she is slender, tanned and wearing a bikini. Nice one, ad company. Do you want me to point out that this is the 21^st century or can you read a calendar by yourself? No? FUCK OFF BACK TO THE 1950s CHAUVINISTIC BASTARDS! This ad is actually sickening.

Oh and the final instalment of the story will appear on your screens tomorrow? Mayhaps. I am just too tired right now, and hence am going to bed.

Love you like playing spies from JUB’s amazing apartment. Gluck maths girls for your exam tomorrow!

x

(And yes, I am fully aware that the title of this post really had nothing to do with anything much in it. And no, I don't care in the slightest.)

Number 17 (Part Three)

Part One
Part Two
Part Four

III

The third most surprising thing that happened to me was that I couldn’t. Number 17 kept hanging around me like a bad smell. I began to think he was stalking me. He literally appeared like magic at the back of my English classroom, answering a question on existentialism. He referred to a basketball. A basketball, he had said poetically, is just a basketball. It’s what we do with it, that makes it a basketball.

Our English teacher nodded appreciatively because English teachers like bullshit like that. Especially italicised bullshit. I simply groaned and retreated under my desk. Caroline said I was having some existential problems of my own. My teacher suggested writing poetry, and if that failed, to pop by the school counsellors’.

What really, really annoyed me was that by Thursday I still hadn’t worked out what Number 17’s name was. He was in my English class, I had spoken to him at the zip heater, hell, I had even watched his basketball game and I had no idea what he was called. I began to come up with potential names in my head. Gabriel, I projected, or maybe Quillon, Rutherford, Kensington, Winthrop? The possibilities danced in my mind like sugar-plum fairies, quickly gathering speed until they formed a little whirlwind of debris. WIN-QUILL-RUTH-SING-EL-FORD-TON-THROP-LON-BRI-KEN, over and over again. And if Number 17’s name did end up being Winquillruthsingelfordtonthroplonbriken, it would probably explain his quick understanding of the concept of existentialism. 

***

Trials have started! One down, five to go. And then Extension Two due. And then French HSC orals. And then Drama HSC performance. AND THEN COMPLETION. (And then the actual HSC ... :D)

My excellent procrastination recently has been making my year 12 graduation video. It's a secret, so I can't say anything else. But so far (I hope) it's really cute, nostalgic, funny ... not to get your hopes up or blow my own trumpet but I'm pretty proud of it. SO FAR! Eesh I hope everyone likes it.

Life after trials is going to be amazing. I'll be able to work on the graduation video for seven hours on a weekend (like I did this weekend, yes, the weekend before my trials) without feeling guilty. I'll be able to go formal dress shopping YAY. I'll be able to make my costume for muck-up day and all the other days we have during our second last week of school. Plus, after trials, JETS ARE GO! That's pretty exciting.

One day, after my grade sees it of course and they let me upload it, you guys can have a look. Maybe.

Until then, wish me luck for the rest of my trials. I hope you're enjoying story time.

Love you like the (very) near future,

x

Number 17 (Part Two)

Part One
Part Three
Part Four

II

The second most surprising thing that happened to me was that I realised Number 17 actively attended my high school. This perhaps wasn’t that surprising because it was a school basketball game that I had been watching. So, we had attended the same high school for five years and I had not noticed that he had even existed. This could be for many reasons; his average height, the fact that Caroline wouldn’t let me talk to the ‘freaks’ of the corridors, or how for two months I had an eye infection and had to wear a pirate-like eye-patch over my right eye, thus effectively preventing me from noticing half of the school’s population. He had probably been in the right sphere of my vision for those two months, always just evading my sightlines, dammit. We could have had so much more time together.

Once I knew he existed, he popped up everywhere like a newly-learned word. There he was, cramming physics notes in the computer nook before classes, buying a sausage roll and barbecue sauce in the canteen, chucking a basketball across the year 12 common room, making two minute noodles at the zip heater when I was trying to make Chai tea.

“Chai tea,” Number 17 said, as though tasting the syllables on his tongue. “That’s pretty indie of you.”

“Um,” I replied. He picked up the packet and looked at it curiously.

“What the fuck is star anise?”

I was going to answer but it sounded a bit like a rhetorical question. So instead I silently held up my mug and gestured toward the zip heater. He set down his bowl of Mi Goreng and took my mug from me. Our fingers touched as he looped his index finger through the handle. There was an awkward but romantic moment as I withdrew my index finger from the handle, passing on the tea cup legacy. He held the mug under the tap and pulled down on the lever, elegantly releasing a stream of boiling hot water. I heard it splash and hiss at the bottom of the mug, and I saw a single drop splatter over Number 17’s hand.

“Shit!” He screeched, dropping the mug in the sink and leaping back from the zip heater. I heard a cracking noise as I realised the handle had broken off my beautiful, romantic mug. “Fucking alternative Chai piece of shit!”

“Oh God, are you okay?” I gulped, a tiny evil voice in my mind crying accusatorily, you inadvertently burnt your first love! He’ll hate you forever. You just bloody had to want a mug of tea, didn’t you?

“I – yeah.” Number 17 picked up his Mi Goreng and gritted his teeth masculinely. “Be careful with that zip heater though. Wouldn’t want you to burn your pretty hand.” He backed away, still gritting his teeth whilst he lifted his chin in a ‘check ya later’ movement. When he had turned around and left the common room, I sighed heavily and slid down the fridge, momentarily getting my collar stuck on the handle.

“What a patronising little prick.” Caroline interrupted my textbook romcom moment, fishing my mug out of the sink and filling it herself. “Pretty hand? That’s just fucking depressing. Good work on burning him, though. Pretty hand … what a dickhead.” She shoved the Chai tea toward me and I gratefully took it, wrapping my hands around its body. I savoured the taste of the star anise with fond memories of his comment and resolved I would share my next mug of Chai with Number 17 himself. The conversation formed itself in my head.

“Taste that?” I asked Number 17 breathily, taking back my mug and sipping it again seductively. “That’s star anise.”

“It’s sweet and spicy …” He murmured, staring deep into my eyes. “Just like you.”

“Oi!” Caroline shouted. “Snap out of it Cinderella. This prince of yours is a fucking capitalist, remember, he’s never going to get with a poor indie slave-girl.”

“Slave-girl?” I asked, peering up at Caroline’s defensive grimace over the rim of my mug.

“Oh, you know what I mean.”

But I didn’t. I wasn’t a slave-girl and I wasn’t about to let Number 17 think I was, either. I bobbled the teabag round in my mug and tried to think objectively.

xx

Number 17 (Part One)

Story that I wrote for a friend’s Christmas present. I sort of like it. It’s meant to be satirical, just in case you think that I’m being serious or something. It comes in four parts, so I’ll upload it in those parts. HAHA you’ll have cliff hangers. Anyway. Enjoy or don’t, I don’t mind. And sorry about the swearing. J (So much for not writing for the next few weeks because of trials. OH WELL. I wrote this ages ago, so it’s actually just copying and pasting.)

x

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

I

The first most surprising thing that happened to me was that I fell in love on a Saturday, which annoyed the hell out of me at the time because I couldn’t walk home singing Friday I’m in Love without feeling like a liar. I had sat in the stands at a basketball game that Saturday night, falling in love with Number 17 and thinking – stay at home on Saturday night, you idiot, and go to the basketball game on Friday, okay? Relationships, I had thought, are always healthier if begun at the end of the week. Saturday, wait, was not a good sign for anyone. The Cure knows best.

Number 17 was dazzlingly average in height for a basketball player – he later told me he was the shortest player on the team to have done a slam dunk – but I didn’t mind because it meant he had superior jumping skills. That Saturday night he did no slam dunking, but did score a couple of three-pointers and dribbled quite a lot. This beast from the other team had pushed him over, which made me stand up quickly in rage and also promptly sit back down in slight embarrassment. Number 17, luckily, hadn’t seen me. He stood up, dusted himself off, and jogged to the key to help defend. What a team player.

My best friend, Caroline, however, hadn’t been thrilled with my choice of First Love.

“Basketball?” She shrieked. “Pick a more un-Australian sport, will you. Australia only plays basketball because America does; it’s like the Vietnam War.”

“Basketball isn’t that much like the Vietnam War …” I defended, but Caroline cut me off furiously.

“It’s exactly like the Vietnam War. Your Number 17 is probably a fucking capitalist too. Trust you to fall in love with a fucking capitalist.”

“What would you prefer, then?”

“I’d go for an AFL player,” Caroline pondered. “Nothing more fundamentally Aussie than an AFL player.” 

But Caroline hates AFL. She thinks all AFL players are fucking misogynists. All rugby players are fucking rapists. All netball players are fucking sluts. All tennis players are fucking fashion disasters. So I covertly ignored her fucking opinion.

To be continued ...

More than a Sore

At this very moment Bruv is sitting in the study with a permanent marker and a bit of cardboard, doing a PD assignment on genital herpes – his tagline is “MORE THAN A SORE”, which I think is pretty good. When I escaped from my essays to get a glass of water and saw his homework, a wave of nostalgia hit me. Ah, PD ... those bludgey periods every week in P1 and P2 (both of which smell like feet), doing role plays about drugs and modules on ‘risky behaviour’. I still remember in year six when we got a different teacher to talk to us about STIs, and she came in with a whole bunch of equipment and sheets and proudly announced, “I’m just going to give you all some STIs ... I MEAN SHEETS ON STIs! SHEETS!"

Later on we blew up a condom and left it on our teacher’s desk as a surprise. That was the type of 11-year-olds we were at Wilkins Primary. We had the best time, too.

Anyway so then I was sitting in front of my Stalinism as totalitarianism essay with my rainbow lollies and tissues littering my desk (I’m a little ill, thanks immune system) and I thought, I could go for a PD assignment right now. I’d actually give anything to look up statistics on the internet, maybe Google image some pictures of cannabis, then Word Art a heading – font size 100 – to stick down on a sheet of cardboard (coloured to go with the theme).

Unfortunately I don’t have the time. I do, however, have the time to write to you, apparently! Isn’t that lovely? I will now proceed to go back to work; I am just a little screwed for my trial examinations. J

Although I can’t help but wonder why they thought it necessary to teach 11-year-olds the whole condom-on-the-banana thing.

Love you like “homework”.

x