You're So Punny

Don’t hate me. I’m bored, and I’m a nerd, and I love puns, and I found this fantastic website, don't you think hyperlink? I have actually been laughing for the past half an hour. Enjoy?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

When the shocked IRS agent was found guilty of tax evasion he had to take time to collect himself

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

And finally, this one is nice:

There was this man who refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough.

The same man went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn’t fasting.

He also got extremely bad breath due to the fasting and his diet.

This same man was lean and slight of build, especially in his later years.

So basically, he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Love you like a prisoner loves a full stop; it marks the end of their sentence.

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