The Most Awkward Moment

So I was doing notes for modern history, which is substantially boring, and I kind of got side-tracked. I began to contemplate what the most awkward moment in the world would be. As in, you’re walking down the street and someone comes up to you and starts a conversation, and it’s really, REALLY awkward. What would that conversation be about?

Well my most recent awkward conversation was I was walking to school and this lady came up to me and asked me about what I thought about my school. She opened with,

“Hi. I have a daughter who I want to try out for your school, but I was wondering what it was like being Anglo with all the hordes of Asians and Indians who go there?”

I looked at her, mouth open, but this middle-aged woman was being completely serious. I smiled sweetly and replied, “Oh, you know, it can be difficult. I’d say only about 50% of the girls actually speak English, and in maths, they teach in Chinese, so it kinda sucks, for me. I had to drop maths because they simply don’t provide for English-speakers.”

Okay so I didn’t actually say that. But it was awkward. But I have a feeling that it would be more awkward had that same middle-aged, cardigan-wearing woman had come up to me and said:

“Hi. Um, I’m a cannibal and you look really tasty. Would you be interested in, uh … being eaten, perchance?”

So then I got even more thinking. What would you say to that? How on earth could you possibly reply to that? And I don’t mean running away, I mean, seriously reply to, and with respect for, a cannibal who has just asked to eat you. And this is what I came up with.

“Oh gosh, thanks. I personally think I’m a bit on the skinny side but uh … wow that’s so lovely of you. No one’s ever asked to eat me before. I’m flattered.” You say, blushing and smiling sincerely.

“Is that a yes then?” The woman licks her lips eagerly. You pause and look at her wide-eyed, unbelieving.

“Ah, well, the thing is … cannibalism is kinda illegal.”

Her excited expression falls away. “Shit. That’s what everyone says. I … I have asked so many people if I can eat them, you know? And every time … the silly legal matters.” Her voice cracks and she begins to cry. You look around you at the people staring at the now bawling woman. You give her a quick but supportive pat on the back.

“Hey, hey. Look.” You pause, trying to work out what exactly to say. “Right, here’s what we’re going to do. The second cannibalism is made legal, and then when I want to die … by being eaten … I will call you. Okay? Don’t cry.”

“I’m being silly,” she gives a nervous laugh and takes a deep breath. “Um … I’ll give you my number. Do you have a pen or something?”

“Oh, I’ll – uh – remember it. Just say it and I’ll … I’ll keep it in my head.”

Yeah. That’s right. Awkward. I told you. Being asked to be eaten by someone is right up there with congratulating a woman for falling pregnant and then realising she’s just porky. Cringe.

Hey, so now, at least, you know what to say if anyone ever asks you if they can have you for dinner. J You’re welcome.

TTFN I love you like a mouse loves rice and like a cannibal likes … well, human flesh.

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